Dear Ms. Spy,
You are undoubtedly embarking on the most interesting assignment of your career today. There is really only a few things you really need to consider when impersonating me.
I live in my handknit wool socks and scarves. I’m not terribly worried about being fashion conscious, I don’t even own makeup, and my hair (at least in the winter) looks like it just came out from under a stocking cap. Because it just did. But at the office, which is generally colder than the outside ambient temperature of Denver, complaining about how cold the office is on any given day is the team sport of choice. So feel free to voice your opinion. The woman in the next office leaves her heating pad on and keeps in on her chair all day. If you heat up oatmeal or soup – at any time during the work day, you will fit in just fine. However, note that I generally forget to take real breaks and continue to work even when I’m slurping said soup at my desk (much to the chagrin of my supervisors). So as you can see, cold is one theme – but my feet are usually quite cozy in a brightly-colored pair of my handknit socks, no matter the shoes I choose to wear. And no, the sock color doesn’t have to go well with the shoes. Again, warmth is my concern, not the fashion statement.
Next, you must understand how important coffee is to me and my friend Mike at the office. He’s one of my early-morning counterparts and generally beats me to the office every day. He *might* be more addicted to his morning cup of office coffee than me, and he’s nice enough to make the first pot every day. So do thank him, as I always do, and spend two minutes chatting with him before getting down to my email and daily tasks. Polite, yes, but mostly, I want to stay on his good side so I can continue to benefit from his early arrival and have coffee waiting for me when I arrive.
You will quickly learn that I have an interesting job, if you pay a bit of attention. I actually am privileged to know things about the inside workings of many government agencies and their employees. As a spy, you understandably know how to keep a secret. So do I. You will hear and see things that must be kept quiet. But don’t be shocked by the fact that Congress refuses to pay a real salary to our wildland firefighters, and that certain justices get reimbursed $2.40 a day for car service to take them to work. If you actually pay attention to how all of these little details fit into the bigger picture of what’s going on in our country, you will be shocked and amazed.
And you probably will want to give me my job back.
So, after 9 hours of this data and analysis, go home, eat some scrambled eggs with salsa (I never eat eggs plain), and crawl into bed with a good mystery novel. You’ll be exhausted and unable to concentrate on anything else. If my mom texts you, write back before you fall asleep. You don’t want her to think I’ve died.